All I've Ever Dreamed Of
by Meredith McGarrett
Summary: 11x17 With Or Without You / Meredith/Derek


**How Do We Get Back From 'Me and You' To Just Being '_Us_'  
**

* * *

**There's this thing I used to do when I was a kid, to my mother's VCR. I'd take it apart, piece by piece, then put it back together again. But inevitably, there was always a piece or two left over, something I didn't quite know what to do with. So what do you do with that piece? Do you try to fit it back in? Do you try to make it work? Or do you decide you can live without that missing piece? When we go without certain things long enough, it's easy to forget just how much we need them. We forget what we had once. We forget what it's like to live with a thing, not that we need, but that we want. That's why it's so important for us to remind ourselves, for us to remember, just because we can live without something, it doesn't mean we have to.** With Or Without You; Meredith Grey

* * *

A few weeks after Derek came back to Seattle, almost everything went back to normalcy. Or semi normalcy. Which was good by the way. They were trying to get their life back to the way it was before. It was hard but they were working through it. Meredith would never look at him the same as before but they were trying. Because they needed it to work, they are Derek and Meredith, they already got through so many obstacles ... Derek was now working at Grey Sloan Memorial with Amelia as his boss which was a giant readjustment for him but it was worth it as long as he was with Meredith. Also, as Meredith said, a setback in his career. But if you want to make it work, you have to make sacrifies.

Meredith woke up when the sun was shining through the windows. She was still half asleep but feeling Derek's blue eyes lingering on her. A smile was on his face as he watched Meredith sleeping. He watched her face and listened to her snoring a bit. Then she started waking up. "Hey." He said when Meredith's eyes fell on him. "Morning, Derek." Meredith replied, smiling at him, the smile he had missed when he was in Washington D.C. "Morning." After a quick glance at the clock, Meredith saw that it was time to get up and get the kids ready for daycare. "We'll have to get up, Derek."

"Oh, just lie with me here for a few minutes." He begged.

Meredith scooted a bit until she was lying only a few centimetres away from Derek who embraced her. "You don't know hoe much I missed this." He mumbles inaudibly. This was quite comfy.

Then after five minutes, someone knocked against the door.

"Go away, Amy." Derek called out.

"How do you know that I was it?" Amelia answered back as she hovered behind the door and making Meredith and Derek crazy. "You're my sister, Amy, I know you." Derek replied while Meredith was giggling suppressed. "I am not interrupting sex, am I?" She hesitantly asked. "'Cause you're ..." "No, you're not interrupting sex." Came as an answer. "Oh, thank God." Amelia breathed in. "So ... would you mind getting up and Zozo and Bay ready for daycare? I mean you both have to work today." She reminded them.

"Yeah, we know Amelia no need for yelling at us. We're getting up now."

"That's all I wanted."

Derek sighed. Apparently, it was time to get up now. "Seems like we have to get up now." He said grumbling a bit. "I'd rather spend the day here with you." "Yeah, me too. But you know, it doesn't work that way." Meredith smiled at him for a moment as she sat up. Derek watched her. Before they both left the room, she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"I am going to wake Zola, you take care of Bailey." She said with determination in her voice. "Yep." And Derek also sat up, running his hand over his face, yawning.

This was all in all a pretty normal morning for them.

/

"Okay, I've made waffles. And coffee, if you want. Anyway, you should hurry, we're kinda late." Amelia told them.

"You made waffles. The kids will be so happy." Meredith remarked. "You have to show me sometime how you make them." She added in a serious tone. "Maybe she'll set the kitchen on fire. You should watch out, Amy." Derek joked. Meredith sent him a deathly glare.

"Yeah, okay maybe I can't really cook. I know that, health nut." She adressed Derek who laughed in reply.

"But her waffles are great, and the kids love 'em. What are we going to do when she starts spending more time with Owen at the trailer in the woods?" Meredith asked a rhetorical question. Luckily, Derek already knew about Amelia's and Owen's relationship that wasn't just about work.

"Mommy, I'm hungry." In this moment, Zola came running in the kitchen, followed by Bailey who wasn't as fast as his older sister.

"So, now that the kids are awake ..." Amelia started a sentence but didn't end it.

Bailey and Zola both sat down and started eating their waffles, of course they both made a mess with their food. It was funny to look at. But they didn't have the time for that now since they had to work a shift.

"Guys, we're late." Amelia urged them to hurry if they still wanted to make it in time.

"We're always late these days. Although, yesterday and the day before that we weren't so stop freaking out, we won't be late." Meredith said in reply. "But I have an important surgery scheduled." "We all have important surgeries scheduled." Meredith said, shrugging.

"She's right. Come on, Zozo. Bayls, let's get you guys cleaned up." Derek said as he walked to the bathroom with Zola and Bailey clinging onto him. Meredith watched the scene with big eyes. He must have really missed his family. Being back here with his family seemed to be good for him and for their family.

* * *

_Derek was standing there on the doorstep, Meredith looked a t him with a blank expression as he said: You called me and a woman answered my phone. Meredith: "I called you and a woman answered your phone." Then she let him into the house. He tried to expalin what happened between him and the other woman, says it has been nothing more than a kiss but somehow Meredith doesn't believe him. How can she? He had kissed another woman ... She'd trusted him and now everything's way away from normalcy._

_ It was hard to imagine how everything can be different in a matter of hours. One moment and the life you knew is over.  
_

* * *

_ Meredith suddenly said: "I called Derek." Alex replied, grumbling: "I'm laying here. I'm sleeping." Meredith ignored him and continued: "A woman answered his phone." Alex: "There are two empty beds. Pick one." Maggie: "One empty bed. I'm up here. A woman answered his phone?" Alex: "Whose phone?" Meredith: Derek's phone. Maggie: "What kind of woman?" Alex: "Doesn't matter." Meredith: "It matters." Maggie: "It matters." Meredith: "She was perky, and she sounded happy and tall, with a lot of great hair." Alex: "Hold. You saw her? How did you see her?" _

_Meredith answered: "I didn't. I heard her voice, her perky, happy, tall voice." Maggie replied, feeling for her sister: "I hate voices like that." Alex didn't know what they are talking about: "You can tell by the voice?" Both ignored him. Maggie asked a question: "What did Derek say?" Meredith sighed before she answered her sister's question: "I didn't talk to him. Now I keep going to voice-mail. My short, twisty, mad voice keeps going to voice-mail." She scrunched her face in despair._

* * *

_"Did Webber talk to you?" Meredith asked after Maggie told her about her patient with Alzheimer's that wasn't really Alzheimer's. "About what?" The cardiac surgeon asked back. "Nothing." Meredith answered. Suddenly Callie said: "Maybe a kid stole it and his mum picked it up." "Picked up what?" Maggie asked while eating. Meredith looked over to Callie but not saying anything. "Derek's phone." Callie revealed the shocking reality."Options." Maggie suddenly said. "He was in surgery and a nurse picked it up. They pick up our phones all the time ..." "Mm." Callie interjected. "He was in another lab and a research assistant picked it up. He was in the bathroom and the janitor picked it up, he was in an accident and a paramedic picked it up."  
_

_"Woah." That was Callie. Meredith looked over to Callie.  
_

_"It's not the best option but viable. I just saying don't go looking for zebras here." Maggie said._

_"He's done it before." Meredith said darkly. "Moved to a new city, got a new job, ignored his wife's phone calls. Met a girl, fell in love. Started over." Meredith said resignated. _

_"It's what he does. He runs when things get hard. He did it back then." _

_"What are you talking about." "Me. I am that girl." Meredith said, freaking out about what is and what could be.  
_

_Meredith continues insecure, she was sure Derek would do the same thing he did years ago when he met her: "He left Addison when the marriage got hard, moved to Seattle, met me in a bar. What if he's doing the same thing now?" _

_Callie: (to Alex) "Say something." Alex said while sitting up: "Look, I've watched you two suck face for years. You've disgusted me for a long, long time. He's into you. And if a guy's still into you, it still means he wants to do you. And if he still wants to do you, you're solid." Maggie looked at Alex and then said in a serious voice: "I don't know you as well as everyone else here, but I really need to tell you to stop talking now." Alex replied dryly: "Didn't want to say anything in the first place." He lies down again on the gurney._

_Callie tried to calm her: "Mer, I lived down the hall from you guys. I've heard the sex noises. I've seen the drama and the tears. And there's no way that Derek's... Look, you and Derek are living proof that love exists, that it works, that there is hope. You guys are a freaking romance novel. And I, for one, am rooting for you two." She called out loudly: "Team MerDer!" Alex: "I'm not saying that." "Nobody forces you to." Callie replied while rolling her eyes. "But you could be supportive."_

_"Also I think, there's a happy, perky woman in Georgetown with a lot of great hair. What if she met Derek in a bar and he fell for her. I am pretty sure her friends are rooting for her too. Look, I am not a zebra in this scenario, I wish I were but I am not. I am just the horse." Meredith said. Then her and Callie's pager beeped. "The streak is over." Meredith stated after a look on her pager.  
_

* * *

Someone was paging Meredith down to radiology. After a look at her pager she knows it is Derek who is paging her. Maybe even for hot on-call room sex. But then he would not page her to radiology, would he? Maybe. But no. Maybe for some case he wanted a general consult on. But she didn't expect Derek to page her for *surgery date*. Which was what he had in mind. But Meredith didn't expect that. "You paged me?" Meredith asked when she saw her husband standing there.

Derek was waiting for her in a viewing room down in radiology. For Meredith. Today was about him and Meredith. Amelia is watching the kids after daycare is closed. She promised. Also, Derek had a surprise for her. A neuro case. A surgery for them both, without residents, just the two of them. And it wasn't any case. It was a special one, something you don't see really often. "I did." He smiled at her. "Do you need a general consult?" Meredith asked, not quite knowing what she was doing here. "No, I don't actually. Then why did you page me?" Meredith asked puzzled.

"I brought you this." Derek pointed at the wall.

Derek watched Meredith stepping closer to get a better look.

Meredith stared at the computed tomography images on the wall. She was looking at somebody's brain. A brain with a big tumor can be seen on it. The poor patient, but Derek was one of the best.

"What's that?"

The general surgeon pointed at the pictures on the wall. "I mean why are showing me this? Because I am fairly sure that this isn't general." Meredith wanted to know from Derek. Derek tilted his head and looked at her for a moment. "That's my surprise for you. It's been months since our last date. And I miss working in the same OR with you." Derek confessed.

"It's an astrocytoma. I thought you might be interested in operating with me ..." Derek began.

Meredith's eyes lit up.

"But I'm into general." Meredith half started protesting although working in the OR with Derek seemed tempting after she hadn't seen him for months when he was in Washington D. C. working on his research projects. That was still a sore and touchy topic between them which was totally understandable after all that happened there.

"But don't you miss neuro? Come on, you miss it. Say that it's true." Derek claimed, glancing at her with his big blue eyes. "Just think about astrocytomas, glioblastomas, oligodendrogliomas, ependymomas, schwannomas and other neurosurgical procedures." Derek tried to charm her.

Meredith couldn't believe how fast Derek had wrapped her around the finger. The idea of spending an entire day with him in the OR was a great surprise.

She couldn't say no to that.

Maybe she needed that, they needed that.

"Well I can't exactly say no to that, can I?" Meredith chuckled. She never even thought about saying no for a moment. Not for a minute or second. "I suppose you can't. So you and me in a ferryboat scrub cap in OR 1?" Derek smiled his McDreamy smile.

"I am looking forward to it. When is the surgery supposed to start?" Meredith wanted to know. "We still have an hour beforre it's scheduled. So what do we do?" Derek leaned forward, kissing her quickly on the forehead. It was just them in the viewing room, no other doctors were there.

Meredith glanced at him for a moment, right into his bright, blue eyes. "I have an excellent idea." She finally said.

"Oh, I think I do too." Derek began.

Before he could end it, Amelia hurried into the room, catching them having eye sex. "Please, get a room." She said, stopping abruptly and looking at them flabbergasted. Derek and Meredith were startled and let go of each other when they heard Amelia's voice. At least, it was just Amelia and not any other doctor that catched them.

As Amelia had composed herself she said in a shocked and demanding voice: Okay, people I know you're all happy and shiny and all but others here are trying to work even if you might not be working. So stop doing whatever it is you are doing and get back to work, 'cause I kinda need the space." Amelia looked at them intently, smiled shortly.

"Ye ... yeah." Derek stammered causing Meredith to chuckle.

"We're going, come on Derek." Meredith said, now talking to Derek. Amelia was back to being serious now. "We're already gone." Meredith said for another time. She quickly reacted and reached for Derek's hand and before he knew what was happening, Meredith had pulled him out of the viewing room, both giggling like teenagers.

"Let's get to an on-call room. We still have time for a quickie before we need to scrub in." Derek said as they were standing in the empty hallways. He and Meredith headed for the on-call room that has been dubbed theirs. "Sounds good, Dr. Shepherd." Meredith said and both disappeared behind the on-call room door and immediately locking it ...

/

Amelia looked after them, shaking her head. It was good that Meredith and Derek had gotten it together, it would have been a shame if they didn't, but at work?! Then she pulled up a CT image she really needed to take a closer look at. She didn't know that Owen was about to use the same room as her which ultimately led to some romance - y tension between them ...

"Hey." He said, accidently touching her hands when he looked at the CT image Amelia was looking at.

"Owen, I mean Hunt." She stammered. Instead of a reply, he stared into her eyes which led Amelia to dropping the image and they started kissing. In the viewing room. "Are you sure we ..." Amelia started asking but Owen shushed her with a kiss on her lips. "We can do this." He just said.

"But we're at work. Well, Grey and Shepherd are doing the same."

"They're married for a long time. Of course they do it at work. But certainly not in viewing rooms although I am not sure about that. But my point is, there are on-call rooms for that matter. So, if you're tired we can hang out there-" Amelia smiled at him. "Oh, I love that idea." Owen said. "But your patient ..."

"... can wait." Amelia finished the sentence. "Come."

/

Then it was time to scrub in for the surgery they had planned. The patient was already ready and prepped. "Let's save his life." Derek said as he entered the operating room, followed by Meredith. Then when he was about to make the first cut, he said the phrase he always says when he's about to operate: "It's a beautiful day to save lifes."

"Isn't it, Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith couldn't help but saying that.

"Yep, it is." Derek smiled at her, she couldn't really see it because of the surgical mask but she saw it in his eyes. "I think so too, let's get started."

When Derek had opened up the patient, Meredith looked at him for a moment, questioning whether she should ask that question or not. Finally she decided for it, she'd just have to take the risk of him reacting in another way she would have wished or thought.

"Derek." Meredith asked, her voice slightly shaking. Derek looked up from the surgical area, looking at Meredith.

"Do you regret ..." Meredith started. "... giving up on that great research opportunity - I mean it was your dream and all? Please be honest." Meredith pleaded. "I'm sorry, this is kinda a touchy subject between us but we have to talk about it. So ..."

"The job almost led me to losing my entire family. No job can compare to what I have here, Meredith. I learned my lesson. I would never give that up in a second. Like I said, I thought this job was everything but it wasn't. Never. I just realized it too late. I should have realized earlier ..."

"Yeah, maybe you should have. But Derek ..." Meredith said softly.

"Yeah?" He asked, waiting for her to continue.

"I'm happy you're back. We missed you." She smiled.

Derek smiled too.

"Let's continue." He said and then their moment was over.

Somewhere into the surgery, Derek said: "Microscissors." as he started removing the tumor. Exchanging glances with Meredith who was standing next to him. He could feel her. This was a good day. "Do you think you can get it all?" Meredith asked, her attention on the patient.

"Yeah, I think so." Derek answered. "But why don't you take over for that part? I know you can do it even if you chose general. I am just reminding you you spent your residency in neuro, at least for the most part." He added, as he stepped back and let Meredith step up to remove the tumor.

After Meredith and Derek successfully finished the surgery, they felt the need to celebrate that properly. And, they had the house for them. Amelia agreed to take the kids tonight. In the evening when the kids and Amelia were already asleep, Meredith and Derek were still awake. Lying in their bed, staring at the ceiling and just feeling each other next to them. But that was enough. Suddenly Meredith asked in the silence, "We'll be okay whatever happens, right?"

"Right, we'll be okay because we have us." Derek's immediate reply came in a whisper, not wanting to wake Amelia or the kids who were now sleeping soundly.

"Night, Derek." Meredith said, yawning. "Love you."

Derek smiled at her which she can't see 'cause it's dark. "Love you too." He pressed a soft kiss on her lips. Meredith chuckled a bit when his lips met hers. "What's so funny?" He asked. "Nothing." And she snuggled next to him and closed her eyes. Soon she was asleep. Derek was the only one awake. Soon her soft snoring could be heard. He smiled and somehow he fell asleep too.

* * *

**But now he finally knew that family was something worth fighting for. Life would never be same if he would have to live it without Meredith and the kids in it and he would never do anything to endanger that luck.**

* * *

_Meredith pulled out the key to her and Derek's home in the wood and opened the door. She saw that Derek was emptying the dishwasher when she entered the house. "The kids?" She asked while barely looking at Derek. "Just put them to bed." He confirmed while attempting to say something more than that. "Derek." Meredith started saying but Derek cut her off. "Meredith, please wait:" He pleaded. She turned around, glancing at him with a somewhat annoyed face expression. She waited for him to say something but ... "Derek?" She asked, moving her hands in confusion. "Just wait." He replied. _

_/I can't do this, I'm sorry. I am married. I love my wife. I have to go. Right now I have to go./ _

_Back in their living room, Meredith sat down.  
_

_Suddenly, Derek knew what he wanted to say- "I am calling post-it. Zola and Bailey, tumors on the walls and ferryboat scrub caps." Meredith looked to the side, not knowing how to react. Their post-it commitment is put to test in this very moment. "I thought D.C. was everything." He started to confess. He seemed ruminative when he said this. "And I was wrong." He finished. Pause. Silence was between them.  
_

_Then, a smile formed on his lips and he said: "You."_

_"You." He repeated, meaning what he said. "You are everything." _

_That was when Meredith looked up at him._

_"I love you and I am not gonna let Meredith I can't live without you." He looked at her all dreamy. "I don't wanna live without you. And I am gonna do everything in my power to prove it." With that he finished his speech._

_Meredith looked aside for a moment. She didn't say anything, Derek already started fearing the worst-case scenario._

_"I can live without you." Meredith said._

_Derek didn't know what to feel in this moment. This couldn't be their end, this couldn't behow they were ending, this can't be ... But he didn't expect what came after that. He breathed in, tensed noticeably but didn't know what would happen in the next second._

_"But I don't want to." Meredith looked at him in honesty._

_"I don't ever want to." She smiled at him, Derek felt like he could breathe again._


End file.
